Now with Video! Finally Fast!

Hey, everybody, it's been quite a while since i've brought swift and unflinching judgment to the bad ads of the world with an Iron Fist and the Judiciary might of a child conceived by Susan B. Anthony and Hulk Hogan (mostly Hulk Hogan).

But now i'm back for a new season of BADvertising, and I present to you the very first BADvertising Video Post!

Enjoy!

You're not fooling anyone...

I definitely wasn't on a torrent website the other day (my fingers are crossed...OR ARE THEY?), and I was bombarded with the usual "meet singles in your area" assault of ads.

Somehow I doubt "Bikerbabe" here is 21. Call it a hunch. *shivers*

Black Planet!

Now, there's nothing really wrong with this ad itself, which sets it apart from most of the rest of these. Although i'm not going to lie, the invitation to "share information" seems a bit strange.

However, I think the advertisers forgot a certain term known as "Target Market".

Let me explain. I'm half Irish, half German by descent. My last name is O'Brien. I've listed Hulk Hogan And The Wrestling Boot Band as one of the two musicians in my "Favorite Music" section (the other being the Legendary Ennio Morricone, composer for many Spaghetti Westerns).

They might as well have asked me "Do you like to put Miracle Whip on your turkey on Wonder Bread sandwiches?"

Did they mean Bugling?

First off, what on Earth is Boogle? Is it a cheap ripoff of Google? Perhaps the Bollywood version of Google (singing and dancing results, ALWAYS)?

Second, i'm not sure what that tiny slip of paper says or if it is indeed a tiny slip of paper, i'm just guessing. Perhaps these people are under the common misconception that information is transmitted through the Internets via thousands (or even dozens!) of tiny slips of paper. The corrolation is easy to make, after all, paper is often white, and so are teeth, and teeth bite, so paper=bite, or byte.

Welcome back!

Well, looks like the child that was created by that crazy 3-way between The Dali Lama, Michael Jackson, and Kim Jong Il has returned from wherever he was and is now in America!

That's something to aspire to, a fat and lazy rich man!

This one kind of speaks for itself... Yeah. That's what I call a Grade-A Role Model right there.

...And on a side note, could this guy be Michael Moore without a hat? I'm wondering...

Let em go with a Warning...

Now, I could be wrong on this, but don't prosecutions usually go for maximum sentences? This seems more like "Well, the providers who harm our children have been caught, so let's get them out with as little punishment as possible!"

Big Spouse Is Always Watching...

Behold! The latest in Big Brother, Inc. developments!

And yes, being a male with a girlfriend of 3 years, I really want to get “His” Email Password. I’ll catch him talking to all those cute girls while I cry and eat Ben & Jerry’s while I watch Golden Girls.

The last part really cracks me up though:

“Make sure your son, daughter…”

This is understandable, you know, watching over your kids. Makes sense, I’ve seen To Catch A Predator

But then we get this:

“…husband or wife are safe online”

Wow, really? I’m really worried that my wife or husband (They can determine that I like Mercedes-Benz from a small bit in my about me section, but they can’t read my Sexual Orientation or Relationship Status?) will be getting into some unsafe situations on the internets. Perhaps they’ve seen chats like this (which happen quite frequently in the Internets):

Overall, the best remedy for suspicion of your spouse? Duh! STALK THE B*TCH SILLY! Start sifting through the trash, check phone records, e-mails, you know, all that creepy paranoid fun stuff! Yay!

The pig goes 'oink'. The money goes...

How does it sound? Hmm… Give me a sec… Is it a moo? A cluck? No, wait of course, it’s a chirp, right?

I don’t know what sound a fan of money makes. Maybe if you slap it against something, but otherwise I don’t think it makes any sounds at all.

And on a side note, as enticing as a grand total of $160 sounds, I think i’ll pass on this here ad. You’re gonna have to do better than eight $20 bills to get me to start thinking about doing whatever this is.

YEAH I WORK ONLINE, WANNA FIGHT?!

Wow! Yet another “Make A Living Online” suggestion for me!

I’m beginning to think more and more that these companies hire monkeys as tipsters who sift through people’s profiles and send a report of their findings to their superiors (bigger primates, maybe? Apes? Gorillas?). Of course, I suspect that they tend to find things involving bananas, and they become comically excited, going absolutely animalistic in the shirts and ties that the companies provide them (you know they do), and then at the end of the day realize “OH SH*T, WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”. So, they Google search “Money” and “Human”, and voila! There’s the Ad, ready to go!

I guess people who work online are required to fight physically for their living, as Mike Tyson here readies his fists in a business suit in front of his stacks of Bills. Maybe he made all that money online and now needs to protect it, so he’ll FIGHT everyone away from it!

Once again, the first thing that comes to mind with an online Job? CLEANING SOMEONE’S CLOCK IN A BUSINESS SUIT WITH PILES OF MONEY BEHIND ME! HI-YAH!