Now with Video! Finally Fast!

Hey, everybody, it's been quite a while since i've brought swift and unflinching judgment to the bad ads of the world with an Iron Fist and the Judiciary might of a child conceived by Susan B. Anthony and Hulk Hogan (mostly Hulk Hogan).

But now i'm back for a new season of BADvertising, and I present to you the very first BADvertising Video Post!

Enjoy!

You're not fooling anyone...

I definitely wasn't on a torrent website the other day (my fingers are crossed...OR ARE THEY?), and I was bombarded with the usual "meet singles in your area" assault of ads.

Somehow I doubt "Bikerbabe" here is 21. Call it a hunch. *shivers*

Black Planet!

Now, there's nothing really wrong with this ad itself, which sets it apart from most of the rest of these. Although i'm not going to lie, the invitation to "share information" seems a bit strange.

However, I think the advertisers forgot a certain term known as "Target Market".

Let me explain. I'm half Irish, half German by descent. My last name is O'Brien. I've listed Hulk Hogan And The Wrestling Boot Band as one of the two musicians in my "Favorite Music" section (the other being the Legendary Ennio Morricone, composer for many Spaghetti Westerns).

They might as well have asked me "Do you like to put Miracle Whip on your turkey on Wonder Bread sandwiches?"

Did they mean Bugling?

First off, what on Earth is Boogle? Is it a cheap ripoff of Google? Perhaps the Bollywood version of Google (singing and dancing results, ALWAYS)?

Second, i'm not sure what that tiny slip of paper says or if it is indeed a tiny slip of paper, i'm just guessing. Perhaps these people are under the common misconception that information is transmitted through the Internets via thousands (or even dozens!) of tiny slips of paper. The corrolation is easy to make, after all, paper is often white, and so are teeth, and teeth bite, so paper=bite, or byte.

Welcome back!

Well, looks like the child that was created by that crazy 3-way between The Dali Lama, Michael Jackson, and Kim Jong Il has returned from wherever he was and is now in America!

That's something to aspire to, a fat and lazy rich man!

This one kind of speaks for itself... Yeah. That's what I call a Grade-A Role Model right there.

...And on a side note, could this guy be Michael Moore without a hat? I'm wondering...

Let em go with a Warning...

Now, I could be wrong on this, but don't prosecutions usually go for maximum sentences? This seems more like "Well, the providers who harm our children have been caught, so let's get them out with as little punishment as possible!"

Big Spouse Is Always Watching...

Behold! The latest in Big Brother, Inc. developments!

And yes, being a male with a girlfriend of 3 years, I really want to get “His” Email Password. I’ll catch him talking to all those cute girls while I cry and eat Ben & Jerry’s while I watch Golden Girls.

The last part really cracks me up though:

“Make sure your son, daughter…”

This is understandable, you know, watching over your kids. Makes sense, I’ve seen To Catch A Predator

But then we get this:

“…husband or wife are safe online”

Wow, really? I’m really worried that my wife or husband (They can determine that I like Mercedes-Benz from a small bit in my about me section, but they can’t read my Sexual Orientation or Relationship Status?) will be getting into some unsafe situations on the internets. Perhaps they’ve seen chats like this (which happen quite frequently in the Internets):

Overall, the best remedy for suspicion of your spouse? Duh! STALK THE B*TCH SILLY! Start sifting through the trash, check phone records, e-mails, you know, all that creepy paranoid fun stuff! Yay!

The pig goes 'oink'. The money goes...

How does it sound? Hmm… Give me a sec… Is it a moo? A cluck? No, wait of course, it’s a chirp, right?

I don’t know what sound a fan of money makes. Maybe if you slap it against something, but otherwise I don’t think it makes any sounds at all.

And on a side note, as enticing as a grand total of $160 sounds, I think i’ll pass on this here ad. You’re gonna have to do better than eight $20 bills to get me to start thinking about doing whatever this is.

YEAH I WORK ONLINE, WANNA FIGHT?!

Wow! Yet another “Make A Living Online” suggestion for me!

I’m beginning to think more and more that these companies hire monkeys as tipsters who sift through people’s profiles and send a report of their findings to their superiors (bigger primates, maybe? Apes? Gorillas?). Of course, I suspect that they tend to find things involving bananas, and they become comically excited, going absolutely animalistic in the shirts and ties that the companies provide them (you know they do), and then at the end of the day realize “OH SH*T, WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”. So, they Google search “Money” and “Human”, and voila! There’s the Ad, ready to go!

I guess people who work online are required to fight physically for their living, as Mike Tyson here readies his fists in a business suit in front of his stacks of Bills. Maybe he made all that money online and now needs to protect it, so he’ll FIGHT everyone away from it!

Once again, the first thing that comes to mind with an online Job? CLEANING SOMEONE’S CLOCK IN A BUSINESS SUIT WITH PILES OF MONEY BEHIND ME! HI-YAH!

A Real American... Online Entrepenuer?

Are you jobless like GI Joe here? Funny, last time I checked, the military was an occupation… Unless this guy is a crazy man who runs around with a stack of money and new-age Army fatigues or he’s a veteran who continues to wear his Army uniform…

But I do have to hand it to them, the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of internet success is a US Army Soldier holding a fat stack of what kind of resembles US Currency and a blurry framed photo in the background.

My understanding of this? Evidently when this guy signed up for the “simple tutorial”, he was enlisted and paid only in stacks of bills. Which is how the Army does it these days, just slap you a big ol’ wad of Benjamins while you’re out on the front lines.

Smarter Than A Freak?

Q. Smarter than her?

A. Dude, are you serious? Obviously not, she’s got 4 eyes and 2 mouths.

(I swear on my life this is NOT photoshopped.)

Triple Play

Alrighty, let’s see what we’ve got here. Look’s like top-notch advertising firms have paid off facebook so that they can see what i’m interested in. Obviously, if they’re going to spend that much effort and money to actually see what I like, they’re going to hit the nail on the head and try to sell me just what I want… Right? Right?

Guess again. What they’ve effectively done is made me a drink out of things that can be found in their own shoes when I clearly asked for a kiddie cocktail (don’t laugh, you know those things are the sh*t). Hey, this guy likes Ford, Irish Rebel Folk, and he’s a Catholic? Let’s throw him these ads that are spot on to his interests.

#1 Got Acne?

Well, as excited as I am to see the secret acne removal combination discovered by a mom… (Perhaps a HOCKEY MOM?! Oh Palin, how I miss you…*sniff*) …I’m twenty years old and I haven’t had problems with acne since early high school…

#2 Landover Baptist

Let me start by saying NICE GRAPH! There seems to be a misconception among a lot of marketing strategies that putting a chart, graph, or stock footage of scientists doing what I can only describe as ‘science stuff’. “I dunno, I kind of question this product’s legitimacy and i’m really not sure if… HEY, THAT GUY’S WEARING A LAB COAT!”

This graph effectively does the same thing. Upon closer examination, the pink section reads “United States Of Canada”, and the green section reads “Jesusland”. I have no idea what the hell this is supposed to indicate, but you really haven’t sold me on anything.

#3 Tantra

And how do we follow up such closely related topics as Acne and Religion with a 3rd similar product? Of course! Mystical Sex! Sounds like the average life of… An Indian Baptist with horrible Acne and a blind girlfriend?

That and we’ve got that guy in the picture, whom I would like to name “Prince Evil” who I can only presume is puffing the cheebo like there’s no tomorrow, or his oversized cookie straw has unfortunately met an open flame and he is yet to notice. I smoke my cigars like he does too, with both hands cupped over my mouth. Maybe his cigar/doobie loops a lot like one of those crazy straws, and he has to hold it all together? Hell if I know, the bottom line, he’s too evil to sell me anything, look at those eyebrows. You show me one man with eyebrows and a glare like that with good intentions, and i’ll show you a man who… Is evil. Yeah.

So thanks, facebook advertisers, for your trio of spot-on ads. You guys really read me like a book. I swear to God, if you took every third letter from my “About Me” section and put it all together as words you’d learn more about me.

5 GRAND A MONTH?!

HOLY CRAP!

Basically what this ad is saying is that by working for google, you can make a whole 5 grand a month! (Yes, you read it right! Not just half, but a whole 5,000!). That’s like… $60,000 a year! Hot damn! With that money, you could easily afford a car like the Lamborghini (I think…) pictured! So let’s see, let’s say we want the 09 Lamborghini Murcielago. Sticker Price? Automotive.com says $354,000. Well, thank God! We’re only just under $300,000 short of the full price! If we don’t use any money whatsoever over the next 5 years, we’re gonna be cruising in our new Lambo like snacks on snacks (nod to mr.chicity3).

The Purpose Of Badvertising.

Hello, everybody, my name’s Jack. I’m a marketing major, and i’ve always held an interest in the field of business, preferably advertising/marketing.


I’m no stranger to the world of modern internet advertising (I’m still waiting on the estimated 3,924 iPod Nano’s and 206 Xbox 360’s I should be recieving), but it seems like modern ads on Facebook and other popular sites are really taking the cake.

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on advertising (my “iTibet” ad didn’t go over so well at the Chinese Government presentation…), but the stuff i’ll be putting here is stuff that violates even common sense.

So i’m here to show some of the finest gems of the decay of modern advertising. So sit back, crack open an ice-cold, frosty, NON-ALCOHOLIC brewski and enjoy what companies think will actually catch your eye!