Triple Play

Alrighty, let’s see what we’ve got here. Look’s like top-notch advertising firms have paid off facebook so that they can see what i’m interested in. Obviously, if they’re going to spend that much effort and money to actually see what I like, they’re going to hit the nail on the head and try to sell me just what I want… Right? Right?

Guess again. What they’ve effectively done is made me a drink out of things that can be found in their own shoes when I clearly asked for a kiddie cocktail (don’t laugh, you know those things are the sh*t). Hey, this guy likes Ford, Irish Rebel Folk, and he’s a Catholic? Let’s throw him these ads that are spot on to his interests.

#1 Got Acne?

Well, as excited as I am to see the secret acne removal combination discovered by a mom… (Perhaps a HOCKEY MOM?! Oh Palin, how I miss you…*sniff*) …I’m twenty years old and I haven’t had problems with acne since early high school…

#2 Landover Baptist

Let me start by saying NICE GRAPH! There seems to be a misconception among a lot of marketing strategies that putting a chart, graph, or stock footage of scientists doing what I can only describe as ‘science stuff’. “I dunno, I kind of question this product’s legitimacy and i’m really not sure if… HEY, THAT GUY’S WEARING A LAB COAT!”

This graph effectively does the same thing. Upon closer examination, the pink section reads “United States Of Canada”, and the green section reads “Jesusland”. I have no idea what the hell this is supposed to indicate, but you really haven’t sold me on anything.

#3 Tantra

And how do we follow up such closely related topics as Acne and Religion with a 3rd similar product? Of course! Mystical Sex! Sounds like the average life of… An Indian Baptist with horrible Acne and a blind girlfriend?

That and we’ve got that guy in the picture, whom I would like to name “Prince Evil” who I can only presume is puffing the cheebo like there’s no tomorrow, or his oversized cookie straw has unfortunately met an open flame and he is yet to notice. I smoke my cigars like he does too, with both hands cupped over my mouth. Maybe his cigar/doobie loops a lot like one of those crazy straws, and he has to hold it all together? Hell if I know, the bottom line, he’s too evil to sell me anything, look at those eyebrows. You show me one man with eyebrows and a glare like that with good intentions, and i’ll show you a man who… Is evil. Yeah.

So thanks, facebook advertisers, for your trio of spot-on ads. You guys really read me like a book. I swear to God, if you took every third letter from my “About Me” section and put it all together as words you’d learn more about me.